Seeds of Patience – In the Light of Hikam Ibn ‘Ataa Allah

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If something that is promised does not happen even though the time for it is set, do not doubt the promise! If you do, that will dim your inner eye and put out the light of your secret.

لا يُشَكِّكَنَّكَ فِي الوَعْدِ عَدَمُ وُقُوعِ الم وْعُودِ وَإنِ تَعَيَّنَ زَمَنُهُ؛ لِئَلاَّ يَكُونَ ذَلكِ قَدْحًا فِي بَصِيرَتكِ، وَإخِمَادًا لنِوُرِ سَرِيرَتكِ

It was almost a year ago, I went through a very rough patch, I had to go through an unbearable hardship, actually they were several ones, one after one. I had the world on my shoulder weighing very heavily over my existence and blanketing my entity and I had nothing to lose. And so, I never stopped praying and asking for a salvation.

And I woke up within days only to find it, I had everything I ever wanted just overnight.

But sadly that didn’t last for long, everything was taken back from me, and I got back from having everything to having nothing at all, again. But this time it was harder, I couldn’t bear the idea that I had all that I wanted only for it to slip through my fingers, just like that.

I had my share of shaky faith, I kept asking myself why would allah give it to me when he will take it back? What did I do to deserve it? What exactly would that append but the pain?

I kept on praying, like I did before.

And I got nothing.

And the whys kept showering on me, non-stop.

For a while I felt unheard.

It got me angry at everything.

And it made me stop praying for a while.

I had my strength consumed, my light dimmed, and I had my heart blind folded.

But then a friend of mine shared this aphorism..

If you make intense supplication and the timing of the answer is delayed, do not despair of it. His reply to you is guaranteed; but in the way He chooses, not the way you choose, and at the moment He desires, not the moment you desire

لا يَكُنْ تَأَخُّرُ أَمَدِ العَطَاءِ مَعَ الإلحَاحِ فِي الدُّعَاءِ مُوجِبًا ليِأْسِكَ، فَهُوَ الذي ضمنَ لَكَ الإِجَابَةَ فيِمَا يَخْتَارُ لَكَ لا فيِمَا تَخْتَارُ لنِفْسِكَ، وَفِي الوَقْتِ الَّذِي يُرِيدُ لا فِي الوَقْتِ الَّذِي تُرِيدُ

I swear this was like CPR, a life saver, something just revived my soul. I needed that very exact notion to be known to me.

I had to make some thinking afterwards. I needed to put a little more trust in Allah, I needed to know he’s keeping a certain thing for the right time, I needed to stop wanting cause it doesn’t matter what I want or hope for.

He will answer, if not today, it might be tomorrow. If not tomorrow it might be a week from now, a month, or even a year. I stopped choosing for myself, cause every time I did, it tended to fail me, I didn’t have any other option left. I came to the realization that I needed to seize whatever he chooses now for me, and just let him steer and make turns for my life.

I won’t deny it is not easy, it needs constant reminding, it needs deep certitude. It pains me at times, the waiting for that tomorrow that he alone knows when and if it will come at all. At some point I wish I could drown in a sea of certainty for a change, and that desperation might drive me to making some mistakes. But then I remember this verse

“Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” (39:10)

And then I know it will never be in vain.

I still didn’t get my answers, I still have nothing to lose. Nothing but that hope in allah, that he will not leave my side. That he would grant me what I need, eventually, like he chooses, when he chooses and I’ll be there to receive my inevitable answer happily.

“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive.” (2:45)

So tell me, have you ever felt this way before?

Read more In the Light of Hikam Ibn ‘Ataa Allah.

Merit in Affliction – In the Light of Hikam Ibn ‘Ataa Allah

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When He opens a way for you and makes Himself known to you, then do not worry about your lack of deeds. He only opened the way for you because He desired to make Himself known to you. Do you not see that while He grants gnosis of Himself to you, you have only deeds to offer Him?

What He brings you – What you bring Him – What a difference there is between them!

إذِا فَتَحَ لَكَ وِجْهَةً مِنَ التَّعَرُّفِ فَلاَ تُبَالِ مَعَهَا إنْ قَلَّ عَمَلُكَ؛ فَإنِّهُ مَا فَتَحَهَا لَكَ إلِا وَهُوَ يُرِيدُ أَنْ يَتَعَرَّفَ إلِيْكَ، أَ لمَ تَعْلَمْ أَنَّ التَّعَرُّفَ هُوَ مُورِدُهُ عَلَيْكَ، وَالأعْمَالَ أَنْتَ مُهْدِيهَا إلِيْهِ؟ وَأَيْنَ مَا تُهْدِيهِ إلِيْهِ ممِاَّ هُوَ مُورِدُهُ عَلَيْكَ ؟

The statement of how lord makes himself known to a certain person is so profound and so beautiful. How gracious of him to opt a person out of billions, is worth some pondering upon.

Allah opens a way to know him; this happens in times of illness, or affliction, the author explained. Meanwhile, when a person finds themselves in a scary place they tend to mistake those hardships for punishments from God, but they ought to receive it with appreciation. Cause the reason of opening that door to a certain person is usually for the mere notion of nearness.

One should let themselves experience his grace in times of afflictions. We should embrace the hardships cause they may be a way to know, and be known to allah, even if this comes between one being able to do more deeds. Hence, the duaa

“O Allah, grant reward in my calamity and grant in its place a good substitute” 

Your deeds and actions of worship are not the only window to get to know him — and that doesn’t mean disordering him willingly of course. Allah may grant you gifts of gnosis, knowledge, life lessons, realizations or epiphanies. When he shorten the distance between his favorite slaves, he leaves their soul cleansed and purified. Thus with opening that door one gets the same nearness he strives for.

One of the Salaf, Shurayh Al-Qadhi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
“If I am afflicted with a calamity, I praise Allâh for it four times:
I praise Him because it wasn’t worse than it was, I praise Him when He gives me the patience to bear it, I praise Him for enabling me to say al-istirja’ (‘To Allâh we belong and to him we will return’; see Al-Baqarah: 154-156) in hope of a great reward, and I praise Him for not making it a calamity in my religion.”

 Read more In the Light of Hikam Ibn ‘Ataa Allah.

TV crap

I walked by my mother watching TV soap opera to find some girl with messy natural hair, I was impressed by her confidence and my first comment was that’s exactly what every every women embrace. And my mum’s reply was that she’s the low class, a maid or something and that’s why she dresses her hair like that.

I was pissed, pissed at the messages they try to send us; whatever you do you’ll look polished if you’re a high-class.

Life is not easy but we grow up thinking it is and everything around us never fail to dictate the same concept.

Why would TV soap operas portray the perfect families, why would hair product commercials with that straight hair, beauty magazines only give us the the impression how magically their products would “fix” our flaws, the lotion ads with the woman magically turning into a a movie star, that all men chase. The deodorant and the sexy guy model and how he grabs all girls attention and turn them on.

I once hated my hair for not being that straight, I despised my fizzles in the favor of these idea lurking at the back of my brain. I didn’t want to give good care of my own skin or hair just because I was angry at my imperfections.

I blame them for our high expectations.

من العبث

من العبث ان نتوقع حياه دافئه بعد قرار منا بظلم احد في الدنيا
من العبث ان نعتقد اننا اقوي من اي بشر و اننا باقين للابد لنعبث بمقاليد الحكم و نلهو بالسيطرة
من العبث ان نتوقع نتاجا يخالف ما حصدناه
ياليتكم تعلمون كم من الدموع ذرفت عيني، يا ليتكم مدركون كم الألم الذي لم أطقه بسببكم. لا استطيع التعاطف، بل و ادعوا كل ليله ان تعلموا، هذا فقط ما أريده، ان تعلموا أنكم من قذفتم بي في هوه الظلمة و الظلم.

So, You Think You Are Responsible?

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I had to closely witness marriage failure experiences (of a special nature) with some close friends of mine, and the more they talk about what happened, the more I could see a clearer picture of how guys are like these days, and the first vivid unraveled knot was guy’s irresponsibility, and how they seem to chicken out at the face of hardships. It breaks my heart how women couldn’t see that about their partners earlier, and to be honest I would have fallen for this trap if I were them. That’s what inspired this research.

I wanted to dig deeper, I wanted to see how guys see themselves, how they perceive responsibility, what they see when it comes to others. I wanted to see the double standards, the hypocrisy and the major slips of families and what they did to their sons, cause apparently it seems like it’s very rare these days to see an Egyptian family that ceases to raise a wuss. I want to know how to spot an irresponsible guy before getting any attached to him, I want girls to learn this skill. And that’s why I started this survey.

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Anyway, without any further ado, here is the answers I got…

Total survey takers are 50

Marital status:

Age: 

Do you want/have kids? If yes, how many?

2 kids 20 (what did I miss?)
3 kids 9
1 kid 5
4~5 kids 3
7 kids 1
12 kids 1
Don’t want kids 1
Not sure if he would want any 1

Are you capable of raising enough money for your family?

Yes 42
No 7

How do you feel about the working wife?

I’m ok, whatever she wants 10 20%
I’m ok, as long as she’ll help me with the family expenses 3 6%
I’m ok, as long as her work won’t come between her duties as a wife 28 56%
I’m not ok 4 8%

Other interesting answers:

  • It depends on the nature of her work, it can never come between her duties, yet i want my wife to be socially active & socially responsible, and this can be achieved by many other ways other than having a full time job
  • Being mother however i think the best work for her is raising kids which I think the most difficult thing in the world
  • We’re a team we have to discuss and arrange duties, income and expenses
  • I’m ok, in fact she’s the one who don’t want to work and I’m against it

Would you like your wife to help with the financial stuff to raise the lifestyle of your family?

Yes 22
No 20
Maybe 2
Whatever she wants/If she wants 4

Other interesting answers:

  • Generally No , but you never know life.
  • I will try to do it myself, but if we share something like a house or a car, it will be okay.
  • Ideally she won’t spend a penny on the house, in real extreme cases though that might be necessary.
  • If she wants something I do not agree to buy. (Married)

What do you expect from your wife?

Love and intimacy 46 92%
Understanding and moral support 48 96%
Helping with financial support 7 14%
Upbringing and full responsibility to your kids 27 54%
House chores (cooking – cleaning – laundry) 34 68%

Other interesting answers:

  • Financial support is not one of her main responsibility but if she helped when we need, I will be grateful.
  • Sex.
  • 5 Made sure to stress on the notion that house chores or kids are not the woman’s responsibility alone:
  1. Responsibility of kids and house chores are shared responsibilities, she is more responsible in such aspects by human nature though. let’s say it’s a 49-51% making her house her kingdom and her opinion in kids’ upbringing away from moral dilemmas take precedence.
  2. House chores are responsibility of both of them, although something like cooking might be fully on the shoulders of the wife unless the man is into that, but in general it should not be taken for granted that she takes this responsibility of all house chores on her own

What are you expected to do as a husband?

Love and intimacy 42 86%
Understanding and moral support 48 98%
Full financial support 45 92%
Helping upbringing the kids 45 92%
Providing safety and security to the family 46 94%

Other interesting answers:

  • I think it will be fun to help her cooking as I already told her and may be helping her in cleaning,why not? i think it will make our relationship more strong and will make her feel more safe.
  • Set Regulations, Provide Support to her Duties. Help Around.
  • Sex
How would you advice a girl to spot a responsible man?
 
His relationship/bond with his family 11
His relationships with god/religious 2
Work 5
His reputation between his friends 2
His reactions under stress or pressure 4
The man of actions not words 3
Being honest and clear 2
Left it blank 15
Didn’t give an answer 2

Other interesting answers:

  • He will contact her family direct with no games about i need to meet you first bla, bla bla,….
  • He will tell her everything about his life. He should also have enough money to start his life with her.( of course, i do not mean 500,000 EGP , i meant money which will make them able to live)
  • Being known among his colleagues, friends and/or family, as a responsible man.
  • Nothing in particular, Responsible men would match -mostly- with wise, responsible yet hyper-active girls.
  • Understanding her. and her feeling of security . affection . full support . a good listener.
  • Islamically: If you accept his Moral’s and Religion (from both philosophical and practical points of view) marry him.
  • Observe him driving his car. his reaction in tense situations. how much he controls his anger.
  • you can’t spot it, you’ll have to know him for some time, it shows up during the period of getting to know each other/engagement.
  • Self made man would be great for her.
  • he does not have to be rich or with a good well paying job to responsible. as long as he is willing to do what ever it takes to make you and your kids as happy as possible with out the help of anybody then yeah that is one responsible guy.
  • I guess you can never judge by words only, and acts can easily be deceiving before real commitment.
  • Well, if he has muscles this does not imply he is responsible, looks won’t help make you a happy wife, that’s all I can say.Ignore the showy, go for the kind ones who have a case or a passion.
  • Do not rely on words only, passionate love does not necessarily means responsibility, a real life test can easily reveal if a man is responsible or not.
  • How this man perceive friendship, is it having fun & spending good times, or it’s a constructive, two-ways communication, understanding, and support.
  • A BIG NO if this person takes the honeycomb of things, and leaves the ship when things go wrong.
  • How this man feels about his society, and the whole word, does he assume even a tiny responsibility for whatever is going wrong with his society, and the whole world?!, if so, how he reacts, if he doesn’t then he’s not positive, and that’s a BIG warning sign, if he does react to it by any means as in any means, then you do have a responsible man between your hands, how responsible he is on the scale, you can tell by how he reacts, in terms of magnitude and consistency, and men by nature are easily motivated by women, so if you have a good material of a responsible man between your hands, if he’s 6 on scale of 10, he can go up to 8 & 9.
  • Does he want kids?!, how he views the role of men in bringing up the kids, if he thinks of it as only financial support = (BIG warning sign).
Define responsibility?
  • Doing what must be done for the welfare and security of his small kingdom blatantly disregarding anything else. Responsibility in a relationship is simply being serious about it, a careless man will not take a relationship seriously and therefore he won’t handle responsibility, this becomes obvious after having kids.
  • Responsibility is the act of taking actions to solve, help, support or doing daily or strategic decision with the knowledge that any consequences are going to be on your shoulders and must be in the best interest of everyone that you are caring for.
  • Acting as required without being asked to.
  • Responsibility is what happens when you do the things no one else can do, and someone must do. If you don’t step up to these kinds of duties, you’re not responsible.
  • Taking charge.
  • Responsibility is the awareness of (before you put yourself in a certain role/position like a husband/manager, etc., you have to take on your shoulders the burden of it, the responsibilities of it, and be aware that by assuming this role in life there is (and even if not said by words) an implicit promise that you’ll provide security, understanding, moral support for all the people who will be dependent on you), so regardless of the situation, being there body & soul is not an option, as long as people are fully aware of that, and accept it, go on, cause if you did your part, you’re not gonna only feel happy, and gain the pleasure of whatever your role is, but you’ll gain the love, trust, and support of other people who will understand and truly value what you are doing.
  • Paying attention and providing help, care and understanding to the people around you, doing your best and fulfilling your duties .. or in other words: “a man is gotta do what a man is gotta do.”
  • Knowing the duties of yourself and fulfill it in the proper way as expected from you.
  • Create your own life! don’t react to whatever comes along
  • Respecting your partner. Support your beloved in whatever they do. Honor the uniqueness of your beloved and protect it.
  • Defining priorities & performing duties to satisfy those priorities with high sense of commitment.
  • Is to perform one’s duties without supervision and without being told.
  • The feeling that you can’t disappoint who rely or depend on you.
  • Self made man responsible for himself and his family not depending on others in his life responsibilities.
  • It’s an ethical ideology or theory that an entity, be it an organization or individual, has an obligation to act to benefit society at large. Social responsibility is a duty every individual or organization has to perform so as to maintain a balance between the economy and the ecosystem. A trade-off always[citation needed] exists between economic development, in the material sense, and the welfare of the society and environment. Social responsibility means sustaining the equilibrium between the two. It pertains not only to business organizations but also to everyone whose any action impacts the environment.[1] This responsibility can be passive, by avoiding engaging in socially harmful acts, or active, by performing activities that directly advance social goals.
  • Act appropriate in timely manner .
  • Ability to help others – good network.
  • Taking ownership of your actions..good or bad.
  • Making others just relax knowing that I got their backs
  • Family responsibility is an act to give love, provide safety and security to the family, care about there personal and financial needs, help in bringing up the kids and financially supporting the family ” preferable if he can fully support his family financially – taking into consideration other factors”.
  • To be able to undertake the burden of making sure that someone is always happy, knowing they could depend on you to always isA make things right
  • To deal with hard situation and face without running away .. to keep duties under any situations.
  • Be able to act and solve different situation with conscious.

How often do you meet responsible people in your life?

Do you think you’re responsible? *

Yes 12
No 2

From a scale 1 to 10 how responsible do you think you are?

 
1 –
Very Irresposnible
0 0%
2 0 0%
3 0 0%
4 1 2%
5 1 2%
6 2 4%
7 9 18%
8 14 28%
9 6 12%
10 –
Very responsble
3 6%

Now question for the readers, what did you read out of those answers? Can you detect any problems?

*I had this question as a yes/no format for couple of days with 14 takers and then had to change it (to the following format) for more accuracy.

Marriage – Reality check V

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Married slice – Part I   |   Married slice – Part II

THEY SAY MARRIAGE IS LIKE A WATERMELON. DO YOU AGREE? HOW SO?
9 didn’t agree – 6 of them agreed that there is signs prior to marriage
8 (3 males+5 females) agreed
interesting answer:
YES I do. especialy if you didn’t exert enough effort to dig deeply and think thoroughly about the behaviour of your spouse and her/his family and its indicaitons.. This needs patience and alertness.

WHAT DO THINK ARE THE REASONS WHY DIVORCE RATES ARE VERY HIGH THESE DAYS?

Interesting answers:

Males

  • 1-media 2-marital laws favoring females
  • I think the number one is poor communication…Infidelity…change in priorities…Physical, emotional or sexual abuse…sexual problems… and money.
  • carelessness
  • The internet is making everything available and tempting. People are getting weaker in resisting temptations especially that they can see all what they like on the satellite.

Females

  • Because marriage comes easily. Families pay to get their kids married, and our generation didn’t learn what the word “responsibility” means. There’s no room here to elaborate, but I blame those who left their kids behind and traveled just to pile up money in the seventies.
  • Because when people search for love and not for life (personal favorite)
  • problems most of time need patience and this is not one of our time habits
  •  Marriage for wrong reasons from the beginning such as: Marriage because you want to just get married or you become old enough to get married,.. etc
  • Choosing your partner for the wrong reasons such as him being rich or her being pretty.
  •  Not understanding your fiancee, this is a very important one. In the engagement, we tend to live a very romantic year followed with a year full of arguments about the color of the walls and the design of the living room and we forget to discuss our shared interests , dreams and how we see our future together.
  •  Girls wanting to live at the same level (financially) as they were before marriage which is very difficult to achieve at the beginning.
  •  Spoiled boys or girls that just can’t be responsible.
  • Financial reasons !!!
  • Last but not least couples not communicating with each other and not willing to work out their marriage
  • My experience men dont realize that marriage isnt just about sex and fun, 2 late they see they wont have time 2 their friends, need 2 work a lot provide for wife, accept their wives mood swings when they r pregnant they see girls be4 marriage always pretty always having a fun time. once u married its not all about that. women might not be prepared too. but as i see it its mostly man who fail

WHEN DO YOU KNOW MARRIAGE DOES NOT WORK ANYMORE?
6 (3 male+3 female) think bad communication
2 (females) think when love and/or respect disappear
2 weren’t decisive.
Other interesting answers:

  • When sex stops
  • When it is not bringing out the best in you (personal favorite)
  • When i am sure that i worked hard enough to let it work but with no avail
  • When partners become stranger, when they don’t have to share any dream…

DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE PRE-MARRIAGE FAILURE INDICATIONS? EXPLAIN.
12 said yes
1 said no male
1 were indecisive
Interesting answers:

  • If there is no harmony between the person and his/her inlaws. This is a problem unless they live away. I know several cases that got divorced because of this.
  • If you realize that you really do not have any shared interests. Sometimes, he is great and she is great but they are just not so great together.
  • From some experiences, there’re signs of nervous or violent persons shown in the engagement period … people some how tend to ignore it and say it’s a matter of situation not a habit and blah blah
  • Poor or Miser person is shown with early signs, while greedy ones do too more like that
  • A momma’s boy is a deal breaker! (personal favorite)
  • Disrespect, lots of arguments, different values, morals and ethics.

KEEPING A MARRIAGE IS QUITE A CHALLENGE, WHAT KEEPS THE MARRIAGE GOING?
7 (1 male+6 females) think it’s love/hope/the will to be together
7 (2 males+5 females) think it’s understanding
3 (1 male+2 females) communication
5 (3 male+2 female)think it’s kids
5 (all female) think it’s forgiveness/scarification
2 (1 male+1 female) think it’s good sex
2 (all female) think it’s honesty/trust

Other interesting answers:

  • The fear of failure
  • Sometimes, Distraction. And as Stephen Covey used to say, “the main thing is to Keep the main thing the main thing”
  • The desire to continue being together despite all the waves
  • Religion

IF YOU HAVE AN ADVICE TO GIVE TO SINGLE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED, WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

Males answers:

  • 1-know her first… 2- don’t marry bcoz ur physically attracted to her, unless u sleep with her first… 3- sex desire can hide behind false feelings of love… This false love usually disappears on the saba7eya
  • It’s a great and important step we have to get it, so please think twice and act wise.
  • Make sure it’s the right one from your point of view.. Not other’s
  • do it if u feel u will love it
  • Think a million times before you choose.

Female friends:

  • Follow your heart and your brain, both… you can’t keep a marriage if there’re no feelings also it can’t continue if there’re no respect or mental agreement and understanding
  • Let go of the bad stuff, deal with the important stuff and enjoy the good stuff. And don’t talk about your private issues with ANYONE and I mean NO ONE AT ALL. If you really need help try talking to a therapist, sheikh or someone like that. (personal favorite)
  • Think! And take your time. Lust fades and annoying habits get too annoying. If you can see yourself growing old with someone, despite their -say- snoring and horrible mood in the morning, go for it!
  • Ensure that you are completely convinced he/she is the one for you
  • enjoy your life before its too late, marriage sucks
  • You are not Kate Middleton, you have flaws too! Look at the good sides of the person and don’t get busy finding out his defects. He is not a dress. Besides, you can buy the palace later, start with a humble villa first!
  • Guys, She does not have to look like Nancy Agram, she won’t be dancing all day. She will be a loyal wife raising up your kids. There are much precious qualities than looks. Good God, how superficial are you !!
  • A friend of mine who is a n engineer got married to an accountant and everyone was against this because of the stupid cultural school hierarchy forced by the society, in which somehow the doctor is more valuable than an engineer, an engineer is more valuable than accountant, ..etc. She responded “Eza atakom man tardawho dinan fazawegoh”. She got married at 21 yrs and they live happily in Emirates with their boy and girl.
  • In laws, for god sake, stay away and it is not a bargain and you win if you pay less. It is someone that will be family.
  • اتقو الله فبعض وجددو نيتكو فالزواج .. هتفرق معاكم اكيد
  • Stay together as like couple no less 1 year. Only then get married or not.
  • test the person, see if u have the same goals, see if he/she respects u and ur dreams/wishes/decision

Marriage – Reality check IV

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Now it’s time for the final slice of the survey takers: Married

Married slice – Part I   |   Married slice – Part II  

Married takers: 18 (7 male+11 female) 35% of the total takers
Nationality: 16 Egyptians, 1 German and 1 Romanian
Age:

  • Male age varies from mid 30s to mid 40s
  • Female age varies from mid 20s to mid 30s

Here are the questions they took..

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?
Less than a year        2 (1 male+1 female)
1-2 years      3 females
3-5 years      7 (2 males+5 females)
6-10 years    4 (3 males+1 females)
More than 10 years    2 (1 male+1 female)

HOW DID YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER?
10 said they’re colleagues (school/college/work)
6 said via family or friends
2 said from the INTERNET

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOUR PARTNER IS YOUR DREAM GUY/GIRL?
10 said yes (3 males+7 females)
5 said no (3 males+2 females)
2 gave indecisive answers (sometimes/maybe) (1 male+ 1 female)

interesting answers:

  • I had no dream guy. I always thought that my career comes first and once I establish a great career , I will start in about marriage (at 28-30yrs)!!
  • Thought he was but found he isn’t
  • No – P.S: Seriously, I never had a dream girl.

HOW DID YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE BEFORE TAKING THE STEP, AND HOW DO YOU THINK OF IT NOW?

Male answers:

  • Completely different.. I thought of a soul mate.. I got a bad room mate
  • Before marriage: big step we need it all….but we have to think more than 100 times…..after marriage, nothing change
  • Big mistake in life:)
  • The same. I knew that it got it’s pros & Cons, which is more.. It vary.
  • before: useless. after: harmful
  • Hated it before I met her . And now I think it was the right choice.
  • Before Marriage, I was thinking that its burdens are less that what I discovered after marriage. However, I could adapt to it though it took some time. But now, after my daughter is about to join the university and my kid is as tall as me, I feel really good and satisfied

Female answers:

  • First, I was scared of the idea of me leaving my family staying with him alone, and just too damn scared of responsibility, but now I feel it’s a blessing to have a home with the man I loved and to have my own family, house and life the way I want it to be.
  • I know it would be hard but not this hard.
  • I didn’t think. It was the natural next step!
  • I was extremely excited and can’t wait to be with him, counting down till the day comes. I feel I made the right selection by choosing him.
  • before: new life, new responsibilities, sharing ur life with ur other half,….after: hard, Stressing, some times i just can’t take it, Some time i wish i did never take this step and wounder how others are willing to get married again.
  • In a nut shell what then: I thought is that marriage means that we will share every detail of our life and we will enjoy doing interesting activities together. I understood that it is a lot of responsibility but I believe that I was a very responsible person before marriage so this did not scare me and I felt that responsibility won’t feel hard if you are doing it with the one you love. Now: My idea along (regarding the previous points) did not change that much. My expectations did! but I understand this.
  • I dont remember before marraig .. but now i think marriage is a big step u should prepare yourself to handle a huge multiple responsibility
  • Before: I thought it’s a kind of cage. Now = I know it isn’t a ”cage”, but contrary it’s a place where people can find themselves ( of course all depend on the right partner )
  • I was afraid to take this step but no i’m happy that i took it
  • I was married before and knew reality. but i thought HE would be different

DID THAT IDEA CHANGE WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE? WERE YOU IN ANY WAY DISAPPOINTED?
5 (3 males+2 females) said they were disappointed
10 (4 males+6 females) said they were not disappointed

Interesting answer:

  • Sure experience has a great influence, what u r through affects u and ur judgments.
  • I am sooooo disappointed
  • Disappointed might seem a strong word. But to answer your question, It was not exactly what I expected. That does not mean that I am totally disappointed. You learn from the experience, and you cope!
  • Its not disappointed, its about missing thing and dont know what is it, but with time i want to be happy so i’m looking for the missing parts

IF YOU CAN GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU DODGE? WHAT WOULD YOU REDO? WHY?
9 (4 males+5 females) said they won’t dodge anything
5 would like to change/dodge somethings:

  • 2 said they wont get married to that person.
  • would dodge the pre marriage useless arrangements (personal favorite)
  • would want some time to know the partner and sleep with her first
  • Avoid the partner’s family.

HOW CRUCIAL IS LOVE TO MARRIAGE?
8  (3 male+5 female) said it’s important
4 (1 male+3 female) said it’s important along with many other things
1 female said not important
1 male wasn’t decisive

Interesting answers:

  • dunno, never experienced love
  • It is as crucial as money to happiness. (personal favorite)
  • very important, yet still marriage doesn’t have to be on a big love story, for me even so .. love gets stronger and deeper with life and partnership of marriage.
  • Life stresses you and your partner in all possible ways. Under all the pressure, the only thing that keeps us going is to remind ourselves of how crazy we love each other and this what keeps us going!
  • I loved him, now i lost my love 4 him. and being with a person that u respect and love like a family member but not like a partner/ romantic just hurts both of us, and keep us stuck in a difficult situation

WHAT WERE YOUR REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED? AND WHY THIS PERSON?
8 (all females) said love was one or main reason
3 said stability or/and having kids
2 said they want companionship and happiness
2 (males) said social reasons
2 (1 male+1 female) said they find an understanding partner
1 said religious reasons

why him/her:

  • he made himself seem to be responsible and ready 2 get married, if i knew he wasn’t ready i would have never get so close contact to be able 2 fall in love
  • I could not afford being apart of him, I wanted to be kept inside his hug till the no end.
  • I chose her coz she seemed less nekadeya. . Shame on me
  • I find my wife pious and conservative in moderation.

ARE/WERE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR SEXUAL LIFE?
10 (4 males+6 females) said yes
5 (2 males+3 females) said no
2 females were indecisive
I dont have one. Since i lost my love 4 him i cant imagine a sexual relationship with him

To be continued

Marriage – Reality check III

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Time for the divorced slice of the survey. It’s minor in size compared to the whole survey takers, but I’m sure it’s major in terms of life and marriage lessons it considers and provides.

The divorced represent 6% of the whole takers:

  • 1 female in her 20s
  • 2 males (one in his 30s and the other is over 50)
Here are the questions they took..

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

We have diversity:

  • 8 months
  • 9 years
  • 25 years (4 different partners)

HOW DID YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER?

2 gave traditional ways

Interesting answer:

1st – neighbor
2nd – work
3rd – friend
4th – arranged marriage

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOUR PARTNER WAS YOUR DREAM GUY/GIRL?

  • 2 said no
  • 1 said one of them was

HOW DID YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE BEFORE TAKING THE STEP, AND HOW DO YOU THINK OF IT NOW?

  • The same, should be a partnership relation between two people.
  • One of the marriages was in revenge, by marrying my ex-girlfriend’s nemesis. One was to have children. Only one was because I was hopelessly in love. Now, I think it is a failed institution.
  • I was thinking that marriage is a romantic relation easy going one.. full of sharing and love including problems, fights for sure but life goes on, but now i can see that marriage is a relation which it’s very hard to keep the love between two (if it exists in the first place) elements such as boredom or limitations can easily end love also a very important matter.. intimacy.. this thing is very important between couples and in such communities like ours you can’t know about it before marriage..

DID THAT IDEA CHANGE WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE? WERE YOU IN ANY WAY DISAPPOINTED?

They’re all Disappointed.

IF YOU CAN GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU DODGE? WHAT WOULD YOU REDO? WHY?

  • 2 said their mistake is not picking a better partner.
  • 1 said it’s taking their partner for granted.

HOW CRUCIAL IS LOVE TO MARRIAGE?

They all agreed that love is very crucial.

WHAT WERE YOUR REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED? AND WHY THIS PERSON?

  • One said it’s essentially about basic needs (belonging – love – sex). They didn’t choose their ex partner though, they have been chosen. (It’s the female)
  • One said fate has a lot to do with it.
  • One thought they loved their partner

WERE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR SEXUAL LIFE?
They were not.

THEY  SAY MARRIAGE IS LIKE A WATERMELON. DO YOU AGREE? HOW SO?
They all agreed.

Interesting answers:

  • One can never fully (or partially) plan a married life.
  • There is a very important element to test before marriage, it’s intimacy and sexual harmony between the couple.

WHAT DO THINK ARE THE REASONS WHY DIVORCE RATES ARE VERY HIGH THESE DAYS?

  • People become more open minded these days and don’t give a thing about how the society is dealing their behaviors.
  • Women are more financially independent these days.
  • People do not think carefully before saying ” I Do”

WHEN DO YOU KNOW MARRIAGE DOES NOT WORK ANYMORE?

Interesting answers:

  • When hate is persistent.
  • When your partner stop loving and respecting you.

DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE PRE-MARRIAGE FAILURE INDICATIONS? EXPLAIN.

One believes it doesn’t work that way every time.

2 said yes and their elaboration:

  • Hasty marriage, love-only based marriage, opposites attract is an illusion.
  • But less life experience and sometimes emotional relation between two prevent them to see disadvantages in each other

KEEPING A MARRIAGE IS QUITE A CHALLENGE, WHAT KEEPS THE MARRIAGE GOING?

  • Trying to kill boredom from time to time
  • Forgiveness
  • Love, respect, ethics

IF YOU HAVE AN ADVICE TO GIVE TO SINGLE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED, WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

Interesting answers:

  • Do not rush
  • Once love is there, treat it like a science project. Then, pray.

Marriage – Reality check II

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The ‘never been married’ slide (single + engaged + in a relationship).

They represent 61% of the takers, sums up 32 people.

Here are the questions they took..

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED?

  • 22 (12 males + 10 females) said they wanna get married.
  • 4 females gave a strict NO.
  • 3 females said they wouldn’t care about marriage per se. But they would, only for the social and cultural restrictions.
  • 2 (1 female + 1 male) said it’s not the right time to get married.
  • 1 female said yes and no.

Interesting answer:

Yes, because I can’t be king of the world by myself.. that would be boring! I need my queen at my side to enjoy it. More importantly I need her because I can’t make it there on my own.

DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM PARTNER.

  • 7 (4 male + 3 female) have an unclear, general descriptions mostly in their mid 20s.
  • 3 males seem to be indecisive regarding having a picture of the dream partner.
  • The rest gave specific descriptions for the dream partner.

Interesting answer:
I want a man with qualities that are impossible to be in one person.

HOW DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?

Females answers:

  • Family. Kids. Love. Romance.
  • It’s a relationship based on respect and mutual understanding. I understand it takes compromises, and a deep sense of commitment.
  • A stage in your life that is hard to avoid.
  • A sacred bond based on mutual love and respect.
  • m3 el zaman … kol haga btet3’yr .. ela howa !! 7ayfdl ganbk 😀 wa yt7mlk 😀 dh lw kan by7bk bgd !! 😀 he will always be there for you 😀 :))
  • Having a life of which you choose and build with someone you want as in theory is kinda fascinating.
  • it’s when u willingly choose the person u want to nag and be nagged from for the rest of ur life..happily!
  • As a social project.what you give you take and you have always to compromise.
  • marriage is an institutionalized relationship.
  • Marriage is a partnership that needs effort, patience and constant work to keep it going. It’s not fun, and it’s no fairy-tale. It’s a huge responsibility and requires a good understanding of the person you will commit to, and vice versa.
  • It is a bless, or at least it is supposed to be so
  • It think of it as an institution that people need to understand that is sacred, and that they contribute the results to the whole universe. It is that big
  • The “forever” part creeps me out but other than that, it can be beautiful. Given that the people love each other and are content with each other and not forced into it because of society
  • I can’t see myself as someones wife but hopefully someone out there is looking for the unconventional
  • A life to be. A pleasure that’s yet to come where I don’t need to reason anymore.
  • sa3at bafakar eno kwayes w sa3at ba7es eno 7ayah takledya w roteen zay ay 7ad ya3ni hygebo 3yal w hy7sal mashakel w b3den ytsal7o w momkn mytsal7osh w fe e7tmal n el atfal tetshared w tetla3 m3a2ada … momkn tkon afkary mo3akada shoaya bs dh ely ana bshofo kteeer el yomen dol! 😦
  • شراكة على الحلوة والمرة

Males answers:

  • Marriage is a different phase of life .. we’ve been always living with our families, we probably all been studying or maybe we started working earlier. The Transition between both phases is the difficult one, I would be responsible from now on, it’s all about responsibility and commitment. It’s the challenge to cross this phase successfully .
  • I also believe that marriage, if choices are wrong, can cause irreparable harm. So, one should be cautious.
  • besides the social syndrome of being single but marriage should be very interesting but if u really find your ideal partner
  • i think it is a good part in life .. that you will not be only one any more
  • Nothing special.
  • It’s an important part of life and religion, a huge responsibility for both partners.
  • شر لابد منه
  • It is a very hard thing .. But only the best things r hard
  • It’s simply commitment and responsibility of each partner to take care of the other one. Marriage should be fun, happy, relax, cute, pleasure, safe, and to feel content with your partner.
  • The prophet described man to life as a traveler going to his destination stopping to rest in the shade of a tree for a mere moment. Marriage is having someone there resting with you, ultimately they could convince you to alter your destination. Make you happy, make you miserable. Not mandatory in anyway. You would make way to your destination with companion or without.Of how to share this rest and journey, people talk about acceptance; I don’t like this talk, it only reeks of low standards. One shouldn’t settle. And as with travelers on a dangerous rode, they should treat each other with respect, help each other, have their separate duties and responsibilities to make it through. And as with travelers and because they are two there should be a leader. Not a dictator, not an oppressor but a leader nevertheless. One that should heed the council of his fellow traveler, one that should put his fellow traveler’s needs before his own but a leader nevertheless. One that would strive to gratify but knows when and more importantly how to punish; For this companionship is very fragile no matter how strong it may seem to be. As hard as it may be but as possible as it may be as well fellow travelers could decide not to travel with each other any more. they may still want to go to the same destination but they got bored of their companion, they got fed up with the tiny little details that they never saw with the pink relationship goggles at the beginning or simply had a change of mind at which case they both have the freedom to walk away.
  • it is to start building out life together without interfering of any one neither her family nor mine. i think we should not do everything only because people does like neesh 😀 , we can make our lives easier and help marriage if we really get rid of these stuff.
  • I think of marriage as a necessary step in someone’s life. It’s wholesome and it encourages us to be who we are, to learn about ourselves and to focus on living life right.I think marriage always makes us closer to God, and it’s important for our happiness.


DO YOU HAVE ANY FEARS OR CONCERNS?

  • 7 (3 females+4 males) said they don’t
  • 1 said they don’t know

HOW CRUCIAL IS LOVE TO MARRIAGE?

  • 20 (8 male + 12 female) think it’s very crucial. They said love is the base of a successful marriage.
  • 11 (5 male + 6 female) think it’s not. They said a marriage can’t be founded on just love.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE THE REASONS BEHIND DIVORCE’S HIGH RATES LATELY?

I really like all the answers I got, I guess I’m gonna write about them separately (they can be a book material, seriously)

HOW MUCH DOES SOCIAL PRESSURE PLAY A ROLE IN YOUR LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS?

  • Extremely low 4
  • Low (1-4) 13
  • Average (5-6) 8
  • High (7-10) 6
  • Extremely High 1

HOW URGING IS YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS FOR YOU TO GET MARRIED?

  • Extremely low 1
  • Low 4
  • High 12
  • Average 9
  • 3 said they won’t let it control their decisions about marriage
  • 1 said they don’t think about that issue because we’re not in Europe
  • 1 said they don’t know

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, IF YOU WERE MARRIED, WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU CONSIDER A DIVORCE?

  • 15 answered with cheating/lying/distrust
  • 7 said not being in love anymore/not being happy anymore/not enjoying each other’s company
  • 6 gave many answers which can be summarized with ‘wrong choices’.
  • 2 said abuse
  • 2 said changing partners
  • 2 said disrespect
  • 2 said boredom
  • 2 said if the other partner is giving less
  • 1 said lack of communication
  • 1 said when families interfere more than they should
  • 1 said behavior

Interesting answers:

  • cheating, or a difference in opinion that would change the course of my life dramatically e.g. if he tells me i’m not allowed to work and have to stay at home looking after our children.
  • ana dyman mo3tkda en madam etnen etgwzo msh y2dro ysibo b3d .. lazm 7aywslo l 7al wasl yrdy el tarfen madam by7bo b3d .. f madam ana ba7bo awy ,.. fekrt el tala2 msh gaya 3ala baly !!
  • Disobeying and not doing the role of being a wife.
  • If my wife turned out to be not religious enough, or if she gradually lost me as her most important object of focus; which is just another way of she not loving me anymore.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT YOUR LIFE WOULD BE AFTER MARRIAGE?

  • 10 expect their lives to be happy/cheerful/peaceful/better
  • 8 think it’ll be balanced, hard and challenging in a good way
  • 4 think it’s gonna be different
  • 3 said they don’t know/depends on the partner (all girls)
  • 2 think it’s gonna be tiring and boring
  • 2 think it’s gonna be challenging and responsible
  • 1 thinks it’s gonna be quiet
  • 3 hoped they won’t change, it won’t turn into a routine, and they won’t have to be lonely

DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PARTNER?

  • 14 (8 female+6 male) gave a firm yes
  • 11 (7 female+4 male) hesitated, or gave answers like “Maybe” or “Hopefully”
  • 7 (4 female+3 male) gave a firm No

DO YOU EVER TALK TO MARRIED PEOPLE? IF YES HOW CAN YOU DESCRIBE THEIR LIFE AFTER MARRIAGE?

  • 4 said No (all are single)
  • The rest said yes:
    • 11 said that most of the married couple they see are not happy, bored, or miserable.
    • 7 described their friends’ lives with happy, stable or satisfied
    • 6 said they see happy and unhappy couple, it varies.
    • 3 said they change after marriage

Interesting answers:

  • Yes, some of them met my expectations (one describes his wife as an angel that god sent him to make him happy, you can tell he is truthful by looking into his eyes or simply by the fact that she is not there when he says that :D), some became miserable hopeless creatures with zero ambition that only wants to get the baby to stop crying or hating how their wife looked after pregnancy and thinking of marrying again. Counter to your expectations the one who is happy with his marriage has it alot harder (quality of life wise) than the whiner. It’s all about your attitude, and about thinking as an I or a we.
  • yes and i can say 1 out of 7 is happy,the rest either divorced,considering divorce or just in it for the sake of the kids